How We Award Points
Fantasy F**kwit awards points each week to individual players, managers and referees on the basis of what they do on and off the pitch, based on four categories.
Match Day Performance
Losing a match: 1 point for each player in losing team, including each sub used
Losing by 3+ goals: 1 extra point for each player, including each sub used
Most disappointing player: 3 points (awarded by one of our ‘Expert Panellists’)
Scoring own goal: 3 points
Giving away penalty: 3 points
Assist in opposition goal: 1-3 points, ranging from poor marking to hopeless back pass
Missing a goal: 1-3 points, ranging from one-on-one chance to missing open goal
Missing penalty: 3 points
Missing by a mile (hitting Row Z): 1 point
Referee goal assist: 1-3 points for any poor refereeing decision that influences a goal, whether indirectly (e.g. awarding a free kick that results in a goal) or directly (e.g. allowing an obvious offside goal)
Referee goal goof: 1-3 points for any poor decision that prevents a perfectly good goal, ranging from 1 point for a marginal offside call to 3 points for a ball that crosses the line
Comedy value: 1 point to any player, manager or referee for a monent of comic genius
Discipline
Straight Red Card: 4 points
Yellow Card: 1 point
Second Yellow (ie =red): 2 points
F**kwit Yellows (e.g. removing shirt during goal celebration): 1 bonus point
General Footballing Malarkey
Getting sacked or quitting (Managers and players): 10 points
Getting injured during pre-match warm-up: 5 points
Training ground punch-up: 5 points
Refusing to play: 3-5 points
Handbags (on-pitch pushing & shoving): 1-3 points each for the main protagonists
Kissing the badge: 1 point
Other embarrassing goal celebrations: 1 point
Amateur dramatics (diving, feigning injury etc): 1 point
Laughable change of hairstyle: 1 point
Comedy value: 1 point
Off-the-pitch Antics
Off-the-pitch points are awarded by our ‘Expert Panel’ in celebration of the many Premiership players who liven up the tabloid news pages each week. Points are awarded on a case-by-case basis, using the following as a guide:
Ten points:
Fathering a love child (points awarded on acknowledgement of fatherhood, DNA results or facial similarity)
Getting jailed (points awarded on first day inside/first drop the soap incident)
Getting deported
Getting banned for snorting or injecting anything illegal, failing to attend drug test etc
Five points:
Caught cheating on WAG
Other WAG-related naughtiness
Getting nicked for drunk-driving
Wrapping car round lamppost
Unwanted tabloid attention of any description
Recording pisspoor rap song
One to three points
Having house burgled while away on football trip
Having house burgled while inside it
Drunk in bar/nightclub shortly before game
Getting into bar/nightclub fight
Getting nicked for speeding
General off-pitch f**kwittery
Tips for Maximising Your Score
Match Day Performance
1. You'll score 11 points each week if all the players in your Fantasy F**kwit team lose their Premiership matches – plus bonus points if they lose by a big margin. So the big scores come from picking losers
2. Don’t forget you can swap four players each week. If a transfer breaks the rules and you have too many player from the same club, don't sweat it, you'll have to fix it the next time you edit your team but not before. So if someone's hit a bad patch, nab him. Or if you expect Swansea to get hammered next week, pack a bunch of them into your team
3. Thinking about it, you might want to include a few Swansea players on a permanent basis
4. Our 'Expert Panellists' decisions about The 'Most disappointing player' will be justified, after a fashion, in each Match Day report. There’s a comment box under each report – do feel free to use it
Discipline
1. Some players are a safer bet than others for picking up regular yellow and red cards. Midfield enforcers often land themselves in the book with one mistimed tackle too many – then there are the brats who are known for throwing tantrums
2. Past performance may be a good guide for this season. Check out our stats page to find out who picked up the most points in each position last season - and how they're doing this year
General Footballing Inanity
1. See who the bookies have as favourite for the next managerial casualty
2. Check out which players tried but failed to get a transfer over the summer - it's usually a precursor to some desperate shows of badge-kissing loyalty to the team they're stuck with. Or just pick Frank Lampard
Off-the-pitch Antics
1. For some reason, being England captain seems to increase the odds of a player experiencing unwelcome tabloid intrusion
2. Try to focus on players with more money than sense. It may actually be quicker to work the other way round, and eliminate those with as much sense as money