West Brom 3 - Newcastle 1

Campbell left for dead, soup prime suspect

Points Awards

• Sacked/Quitting (10): C. Hughton
• Miss by mile (1): G. Dorrans
• Miss by mile (1): A. Carroll
• Miss by mile (1): C. Brunt
• Miss by mile (1): P. Scharner
• Miss by mile (1): P. Scharner
• Missed chance (1): A. Carroll
• Missed chance (1): P. Odemwingie
• Assist - 3 (3): D. Guthrie
• Assist (1): S. Campbell
• Disappointing player (3): S. Campbell
• Losing Team (1 each): J. Enrique, S. Campbell, D. Guthrie, A. Carroll, W. Routledge, P. Løvenkrands, D. Simpson, A. Smith, J. Gutiérrez, S. Ameobi, T. Krul, S. Taylor, N. Ranger, and C. Tioté
• Yellow Card (1): J. Gutiérrez
• Yellow Card (1): A. Smith
• Yellow Card (1): D. Guthrie
• Yellow Card (1): S. Campbell
• Yellow Card (1): J. Enrique

By Gareth Evans
If this was the battle of the bar-codes, then West Brom certainly earned their stripes in a fixture they dominated from a classical football perspective. Luckily, we’re not interested in that stuff – and when it came to f**kwittery, Newcastle gave as good as they got in this humdinger of a contest.

West Brom, a club the British media are contractually obliged to call the ‘yo-yo’ club – they’re up and down more than a whore’s drawers – stacked up points for hitting zingers into row-Z, while Newcastle aimed to keep the scoreboard ticking over by squeezing as many bookings as possible into 90 minutes .

Paul Scharner struck the opening blow for West Brom on 12 minutes with a skyward effort after finding himself free at the back post, and Chris Brunt followed suit minutes later with a 25-yarder that sailed high and wide. After Jonas Gutierrez was booked for Newcastle, Albion’s Peter Odemwingie bagged another point a few minutes later by dragging a shot wide, while Graham Dorrans picked up a point on 23 minutes with a skied effort from well outside the area. So wayward was the shooting that it came as something of a surprise when West Brom actually took the lead just after the half hour, with a curling shot past ‘keeper Tim Krul from Somen Tchoyi, after the Newcastle defence gave the Cameroonian too much room inside the box.

Scharner started the second half as he began the first, clocking a point for a miss that flew high and wide – albeit from a difficult chance. And Andy Carroll – who may or may not be trying to prove that he can score as many f**kwit points on the field as off it – added two to his tally for the season; one for a violent strike that flew over the bar, and another which went well wide when looking to find a teammate was a better option.

Newcastle picked up more points for yellows for Jose Enrique and Danny Guthrie – and minutes later Guthrie earned three more for a glorious assist when he slipped in central midfield, gifted the ball to Odemwingie who ran on to score Albion’s second, and then completed his humiliation by getting stretchered off. His replacement, Alan Smith, continued the good work only seconds after coming on by hacking down Jerome Thomas to pick up another card.

The rest of this sorry tale starred Newcastle United’s semi-mobile defensive plank, Sol Campbell, who was the easy choice for most disappointing player of the match. Whilst proving he’s still tidy enough in the air, Campbell displayed the touch of a baby rhinoceros with the ball at his feet, giving it away numerous times. That, coupled with all the balance of a dog trying to stand up in a moving vehicle, is a recipe for disaster. Campbell was booked for obstruction in the last few minutes of normal time – picking up a point for his troubles. But his coup de grace was still to come. As Albion played a route one ball over Campbell’s defence, the man who was making his 500th Premier League appearance stood firm – Tony Adams circa 1994 – arms raised into the afternoon air, appealing for an offside that was never coming, as Odemwingie ran free and scored West Brom’s third – earning Campbell a point for the assist.

Unlike Adams’ Arsenal back four, Newcastle’s defensive line was as crooked as Steve Bruce’s nose. Campbell’s defence? Four tins of soup might well have played a more effective offside trap.

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