Tottenham 2 - Liverpool 1

Maxi finds cow’s backside, mislays banjo

Points Awards

• Losing Team (1 each): P. Konchesky, G. Johnson, F. Aurélio, F. Torres, S. Kyrgiakos, M. Rodríguez, D. Kuyt, L. Leiva, J. Carragher, D. N'Gog, P. Reina, M. Škrtel, and R. Meireles
• Yellow Card (1): R. Meireles
• Yellow Card (1): M. Škrtel
• Yellow Card (1): J. Carragher
• Yellow Card (1): P. Konchesky
• Yellow Card (1): G. Johnson
• Disappointing player (3): P. Konchesky
• Amateur dramatics (1): A. Hutton
• Missed penalty (3): J. Defoe
• Own Goal (3): M. Škrtel
• Penalty Gift (3): D. N'Gog
• Missed chance (1): D. N'Gog
• Missed chance (1): A. Lennon
• Miss by mile (1): L. Modrić
• Missed chance (1): J. Defoe
• Missed chance (1): A. Hutton
• Missed chance (1): Y. Kaboul
• Missed chance (1): P. Crouch
• Missed chance (1): R. Meireles
• Missed chance (1): M. Rodríguez
• Missed chance (1): M. Rodríguez
• Missed chance (1): M. Rodríguez

By Mat Snow
A ding-dong classic, could have been six-all, great advert for the Premiership etc etc.

For those who like that kind of thing.

Here at Fantasy F**wit we jump on the ‘could have been six-all’ bit with all the alacrity of the Roonster at an Age Concern bring-and-buy. With an actual score of 2-1 that can only mean misses galore.

Then there was the Groundhog Day handball penalty, the here-we-go-again penalty miss, the own goal, the full-back who couldn’t catch a cold…

In short, even in this great advert for the Premiership, there was f**wittery afoot.

So, for starters, let’s catalogue those misses.

Chief among those who would be hard put to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo is our old friend, Maxi Rodriguez, a striker, it is fair to say, who won’t be dislodging Dalglish, Rush or even Stan Collymore from Anfield’s goal ace Hall of Fame any time soon. Today he shot wide early doors for a point, then, for another, dithered and seemed to fall over his own feet when clear on goal with only Spurs keeper Heurelho Gomes to beat; and in the second half he shot well wide and over for his hat-trick of miss points.

Also among the miss points, the Expert Panel noted his team-mates Raul Meireles, deputising for Steven Gerrard, shooting wide from just outside the area on 82 minutes. Throughout the match, Fernando Torres was on target but always saved or blocked.

For Spurs, Peter Crouch hit wide from a Gareth Bale corner in the 17th minute, Younes Kaboul skyed it in the 21st, Alan Hutton whacked wide in the 67th, Jermain Defoe likewise hit wide in the 75th. Also, Luka Modric was guilty of a late Row Zedder and Aaron Lennon of poking wide on the death for a point each. Given that the first Spurs midfielder scored their equalizer and that the second had only moments before scored their added-time winner, it hardly seems kind to mention it.

But Fantasy F**wit has never had any truck with kindness.

So come on down, David Ngog. Not only did Ngoggin the Ngog head wide from a Dirk Kuyt cross when just a touch would have put Liverpool ahead, but, like Cesc Fabregas last week, his way of dealing with a Spurs free kick from outside the area within his team’s defensive wall was to fling up his arm in a Dr Strangelove salute. Penalty give-away for three points.

If that was dumb, then dumber was Martin Skrtel, who went from hero as Liverpool’s goal-scorer on 42 minutes to zero on 65 minutes at the same end but for the home side when he intercepted Modric’s cross to Peter Crouch and so saved the lanky love god the trouble of poking it home.

If that was dumber, then dumberer was Jermaine Defoe stepping forward to take the spot kick as if he hadn’t missed six out of his last ten for the club. Ramming it low, hard and seven inches wide, the diminutive England forward didn’t so much blow it big time as deliver a double-entendre.

Oh, and Spurs right back Alan Hutton play-acted in vain for a pen in the 26th minute; a point there for amateur dramatics.

Most disappointing player? Spurs regulars would pick defensive mid Wilson Palacios for his almost unerring talent for passing to the man in the red shirt. But in the end there was one player who made all the difference. Two minutes into added time the ball was played forward to Aaron Lennon who then ran towards the Liverpool goal, as you would. Unfortunately for the Reds on the brink of gaining a valuable away point, his marker Paul Konchesky was lost in a Worsdworthian moment, wandering lonely as a cloud. Suddenly recalled to consciousness by the flurry of movement to one side, he revved into action and tracked Lennon goalwards much like a motorcycle outrider escorting the presidential limousine, more or less keeping up but preserving a respectful distance. Three points to the man who lost the game for his side.

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