Liverpool 2 - Sunderland 2

Michael Turner: F**kwit poster child

Points Awards

• Missed Goal (2): D. Agger
• Comedy value (1): M. Turner
• Assist (1): T. Bramble
• Assist (1): J. Carragher
• Assist (1): G. Johnson
• Penalty Gift (3): C. Poulsen
• Assist - 3 (3): M. Turner
• Yellow Bonus (1): S. Mignolet
• Yellow Card (1): S. Mignolet
• Yellow Card (1): D. Kuyt
• Yellow Card (1): F. Torres
• Yellow Card (1): S. Gerrard

Everything exists for a reason. Jam? So you’ve got something tasty to spread on your toast. Bogeys? So children have something to flick at one another. Paris Hilton? To confirm the vapid meaninglessness of our brief sojourn on earth. And Fantasy F**kwit? Because of people like Sunderland’s Michael Turner.

To be fair to Turner, his f**kwittery at Anfield was more down to a technicality than utter stupidity, but as with Ms Hilton’s recent experimentation with nose candy, he really should have known better. When referee Stuart Attwell awarded Sunderland a free kick near the halfway line, Turner made the mistake of leaving the ball stationary for a couple of seconds before nudging it back ten feet in the general direction of goalkeeper Simon Mignolet, presumably expecting him to run up and take the kick. But by doing so, he’d put the ball into play. Fernando Torres was quick on the uptake — seven little words we’ve haven’t heard particularly frequently this season — and ran onto the ball, playing it square to Dirk Kuyt to slot past the sprawling keeper.

As a bewildered Sunderland protested, referee Attwell had a brief conflab with his assistant and allowed the goal — triggering three points to Turner for an assist, and one for comedy value.

It was a fabulous start to a match that had already seen Sunderland captain Lee Cattermole put in an early shout for the first yellow card of the game and the makings of his third red card of the season when he took out Joe Cole within 90 seconds of kick-off — a move that sadly went unpunished. Liverpool’s Martin Skrtel also made a good claim for a point when he shot gloriously wide after a penetrating run from deep inside his own half, not quite finding the corner flag and therefore not quite picking up a point. But teammate Christian Poulsen did make it onto the scoreboard, earning three points for a penalty give-away with a blatant handball inside the box. Sunderland striker Darren Bent wasn’t exactly convincing from the spot, but Liverpool keeper Pepe Reina contrived to dive right over the ball and Sunderland were back at 1-1.

The second half continued in much the same vein. Glen Johnson and Jamie Carragher both picked up an assist point for giving Bent space to power in the header that put Sunderland ahead. Sunderland’s Titus Bramble then picked up a point for his part in Liverpool’s equaliser when he was left for dead by Torres on the wing, the ball coming over via a deflection from the hapless Turner for Gerrard to nod home.

There were some close calls too. Reina was unlucky not to pick up f**kwit points after taking out Danny Welbeck in the area, and towards the end of the match, Gerrard had to content himself with a yellow rather than a straight red after flattening Welbeck with his arm. But with Sunderland goalkeeper Mignolet picking up a yellow card and a f**kwit bonus point for time-wasting in the dying moments, it was left to Liverpool’s Daniel Agger to squander two last-minute chances to win the game, the second a free header from six yards out that earned him two points.

As for most disappointing player, Glen Johnson had a shout — but Poulsen pipped it.
By Keith Rodgers

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