Everton 3 - Man Utd 3

Hibbert's jock-strap proves a distraction

Points Awards

• Yellow Card (1): J. Heitinga
• Yellow Card (1): R. Giggs
• Disappointing player (3): N. Vidić
• Assist (1): P. Evra
• Assist (1): E. Sar
• Assist (1): P. Scholes
• Assist (1): L. Baines
• Assist (1): J. Heitinga
• Assist (1): P. Jagielka
• Assist (1): S. Distin
• Assist (1): G. Neville
• Assist (1): N. Vidić
• Assist (1): P. Ji-Sung
• Miss by mile (1): L. Osman
• Miss by mile (1): T. Cahill
• Miss by mile (1): M. Fellaini
• Miss by mile (1): T. Hibbert
• Miss by mile (1): P. Scholes
• Miss by mile (1): N. Nani
• Comedy value (1): P. Evra
• Comedy value (1): T. Hibbert
• Assist (1): J. O'Shea

Although he was seen at the Lowry Hotel in Manchester on Friday night, there was no sign of Wayne Rooney on the pitch come Saturday, Sir Alex Ferguson apparently believing it might be an overly hostile environment. Fortunately, of course, Mr Rooney’s exploits have already been well documented in the media and rewarded on the F**kwit Index, so attention turned to weightier matters. Would this match define the title chase for Manchester United? Was this Everton’s first six-pointer of the season? And who was buying the half-time pies?

A slow start from both teams meant no f**kwit points were awarded till the tenth minute when Leon Osman, clearly bored with proceedings, skyed a ball into Row Z. A coming together with Steven Pienaar ten minutes later left Nani losing blood and temporarily off the pitch, and while United stoically played on with ten men, Tim Cahill took advantage with a sky-high effort of his own on 25 minutes, followed two minutes later by a similarly aerodynamic effort from Marouane Fellaini. With Everton racking up the points, it was a disappointment when Leighton Baines found himself in space with his own glorious chance to hit the battered occupants of Row Z, only to mess up and shoot just six yards wide. Disappointingly close to the target from such a good position, frankly.

Then, hold on, was that a twelfth player on the pitch? Nope, turns out it was just a blow-up doll. Easy mistake. And pure coincidence that, just seconds later, Tony Hibbert should whip off his shorts, before being hurriedly handed another pair by the trainer. One comedy point for stripping.

Six minutes before half-time, the action finally switched to the goalmouth when Mikel Arteta broke through, courtesy of a spectacularly bad missed overhead clearance from Patrice Evra that earned him one point for an assist and a bonus for comedy value. Arteta’s shot was saved by Edwin Van Der Sar, but he succeeded only in putting the ball at the feet of Osman who tapped it to Pienaar for a goal, earning Van Der Sar a (somewhat harsh) point.

Not to be outdone, the Everton defence took their own turn to crumble just minutes later. When Nani collected the ball on the right wing, Baines – seemingly traumatised by the sight of Hibbert’s jockstrap – was rooted to the spot, while Heitinga, Phil Jagielka and Sylvain Distin seemed to have set up a group therapy session and begun counselling each other. In fact the only people at that end of the pitch seemingly unaffected by the striptease were Nani, Darren Fletcher, Hibbert, and presumably the absent Rooney. One point to the Everton quartet for their assist.

Being a wholesome upstanding member of the community, Ryan Giggs finished the half by getting a yellow for kicking Hibbert, no doubt disgusted by the earlier indecency.

The second half started with a bang when United instantly went ahead with a goal from Nemanja Vidic – this time with no obvious Everton culprits. Heitinga picked up a yellow for rough housing with Gary Neville, while Hibbert scored a point with a miscued volley. United then scored on the break with Dimitar Berbatov bending the ball into the net with the outside of his foot, a silky move that Nani would spectacularly fail to emulate later in the game. Fellaini tried a shot from the accutest of angles that would have been classified as a big miss if it hadn’t passed within a yard of the goal on it’s way to the corner flag, before veteran yellow card magnet Paul Scholes showed how it’s done with a Row Z blast from just 14 yards out. The outside of Nani’s boot won him a similar point for a wayward finish in the 84th minute.

With three minutes of injury time to play and United two goals ahead, it was always going to take some monumental f**kwittery to fritter away three points. It duly happened. A speculative ball into the box from Baines saw Cahill rise between the two central defender….and score. And hang on a second – what’s this? Another ball into the box from Baines, it fell to Arteta, he shot wide – and Scholes deflected it in. 3-3.Crikey! Could Everton even get a fourth in stoppage time? They broke, four on four, United defenders were in disarray, the ball fell to Jagielka in space, 16 yards out in the United box and….the ref blew the whistle for full time. WTF???

So totting up the points from that last three minutes…errr…well, it has to be at least one each for Vidic, Neville, Park Ji-Sung and John O’Shea for managing to throw away a two-goal lead in two minutes, and one point for the Scholes assist.

Most disappointing player? So many contenders, but it has to go to the captain Vidic for inspiring his team to the best draw of the season.
By Andy Hulme

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