Bolton 2 - Birmingham 2

Slapping Mr Johnson: the case for the defence

Points Awards

• Yellow Card (1): R. Johnson
• Yellow Card (1): K. Davies
• Yellow Card (1): L. Bowyer
• Yellow Card (1): S. Larsson
• Yellow Card (1): F. Muamba
• Red Card (4): J. Jääskeläinen
• Minor handbags (1): J. Jääskeläinen
• Minor handbags (1): R. Johnson
• Comedy value (1): J. Jääskeläinen
• Disappointing player (3): C. Jerome
• Assist (1): J. Jääskeläinen
• Assist (1): G. Steinsson
• Assist (1): L. Chung-Yong
• Missed sitter (1): C. Jerome
• Penalty Gift (3): R. Johnson
• Yellow Bonus (1): L. Bowyer
• Assist (1): G. Cahill
• Assist (1): Z. Knight
• Assist (1): P. Robinson
• Amateur dramatics (1): M. Petrov

The tumbleweeds were rolling round the taproom where the Expert Panellists gathered to watch what promised to be a banquet of f**wittery from a pair of perennial mid-table mediocrities. In the event, it was more of a buffet – but the menu boasted one moment of such addle-pated, red-mist-blinded abandonment of every restraint conferred by years of professional experience that it may not be bettered this season. In short, even if the masses missed out, it was an occasion for the connoisseur to savour.

Who would be the likely lad to throw caution and talent (if any) to the winds in the hunt for Fantasy F**kwit points?

If anyone was likely to notch ‘em up, you’d predict the Blues’ Stephen Carr, who, sure enough, blundered early doors with the kind of defensive slip that, as they say, seldom goes unpunished at this level. But it wasn’t, for the simple reason that Bolton vs Birmingham matches are never actually played at ‘this’ level. So null points for the shaven-headed Irishman, alas, and he wasn’t to trouble the scorers today.

Lee Bowyer, then? You’d bet your house on this veteran naughty boy adding big numbers to the scoreboard, and with Bolton players taking turns to tweak his tail with borderline tackles to which the ref was smilingly turning a blind eye (is it open season on him? And if not, why not?), the Expert Panellists’ Biros were poised for a points explosion. In the event, Bowyer’s only card was a yellow for dissent, worth two points.

Actually, it was Bolton players who got among the early f**wit points when their keeper and back four were bamboozled by some almost Brazilian Birmingham trickery (and that’s not a phrase you read very often) to concede a debut goal from Roger Johnson on four minutes. Assist points apiece for Jussi Jaaskelainen, Gretar Steinsson, Gary Cahill, Zat Knight, Paul Robinson and Chung-Yong Lee.

Then, on 37 minutes, Jaaskelainen hit the jackpot in his own penalty area when the irksome Roger Johnson (with his thinning hair and scrubby beard more of an IT geek than a footballer) gave him a gratuitous little shove in the chest. Yes, Johnson’s obviously an annoying little fellow, but that doesn’t entirely explain why Jaaskelainen should have had the perverse genius to smack him in his hairy chops with the left mitt. That’s six f**wit points in one go: four for straight red, one for handbags, and one for comedy value.

Roger Johnson got his share of the points – one for his role in the handbags, one for picking up a yellow card – while Bolton’s Martin Petrov scored a single for throwing a strop when substituted to make way for Bolton’s second-choice keeper, as if he had done anything on the pitch thus far to merit his retention.

After the break, the Brummies exploited their extra man with another goal on 50 minutes, and suddenly it was their game to throw away now. Which, to the delight of Fantasy F**kwit players who’ve backed the Blues, they did. And that’s despite Bowyer getting away with a clear foul in his own penalty area.

But at the other end, our friend Roger Johnson was not so invisible when he shoved Kevin Davies in the back in the Birmingham penalty area. Three more points for the balding beardie for giving away a penalty, duly converted by Davies.

Ten minutes later Robbie Blake’s superb free kick pulled Bolton level, and for the next 15 minutes, including added time, it’s the tale of 10 men against 11 who’ve just let a two-goal lead slip.

The Blues’ Cameron Jerome, who failed to convert in the dying minutes, just shaded the coveted award for Most Disappointing Player for failing to come even close to scoring against Bolton’s reduced complement, which include a rookie keeper, despite being on the pitch for all of 95 minutes. No wonder his manager Alex McLeish looked so sick at the final whistle. A study in clashing pink and ginger, the frustrated boss of the Blues was a sight that made an unarguable case for the abolition of colour television.
By Mat Snow

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