Fulham 2 - Arsenal 2

Djourou leads final push for silverware

Points Awards

• Assist (1): P. Senderos
• Assist (1): J. Djourou
• Assist (1): A. Ramsey
• Disappointing player (3): J. Djourou
• Assist (1): P. Senderos
• Assist (1): B. Hangeland
• Assist (1): J. Djourou
• Yellow Card (1): J. Greening
• Yellow Card (1): S. Sidwell
• Yellow Card (1): R. Persie
• Red Card (4): Z. Gera

By Boyd Robinson
The game was already up, the scores were in and, for both teams, the cupboard was bare – so on paper it looked like this would be a quiet afternoon for everyone. Not so. With Fulham motivated by the prospect of European action and Arsenal looking for a pass into the Champions league, there was something to play for – and for an Arsenal team that had missed out yet again on silverware, there were still plenty of points up for grabs in the F**kwit stakes.

It was all pretty even for the first 20 minutes until a daft back pass by Aaron Ramsey handed the ball to the Cottagers and let Bobby Zamora close in on Wojciech Szczesny. With Arsenal’s defence back-peddling, Steve Sigwell picked up the cross and nailed the ball into the back of the net. What was Ramsey thinking? Where was Johan Djourou? No-one knows, but both get a point for the assist.

Robin van Persie struck back within minutes, with Diaby making himself useful in midfield and Philippe Senderos earning a point for snoozing in defence. Which basically got us to half time.

Soon after the break van Persie and Jonathan Greening were both in the book and the f**kwit haul was starting to look pretty good. Greening was straight back in the action, though, this time with a great cross which Zamora headed in for Fulham’s second. Once again, Djourou wasn’t up to the challenge, losing his man and getting a further point for propelling the Cottagers into the lead for the second time.

A poor studs-up challenge from Zoltan Gera earned a straight red and a whopping four points, before Theo Walcott squeezed through most of the defence – and a few Arsenal players for good measure – to bag the equalizer, earning Brede Hangeland and Philippe Senderos points for the assist.

Most disappointing player? Our money’s on Djourou.

So that’s it, the season’s up. Where’s the cheque book, Wenger?

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Man Utd 4 - Blackpool 2

Evatt pokes out leg, trips up donkey

Points Awards

• Tabloid (5): R. Giggs
• Own Goal (3): I. Evatt
• Disappointing player (3): I. Evatt
• Assist (1): N. Eardley
• Assist (1): J. Evans
• Assist (1): N. Vidić
• Assist (1): I. Evatt
• Miss by mile (1): N. Nani
• Miss by mile (1): C. Adam
• Miss by mile (1): D. Berbatov
• Miss by mile (1): D. Berbatov
• Miss by mile (1): A. Anderson
• Missed chance (1): D. Berbatov
• Missed chance (1): G. Taylor-Fletcher
• Missed Goal (2): K. Southern
• Losing Team (1 each): C. Adam, A. Baptiste, S. Crainey, N. Eardley, I. Evatt, M. Gilks, B. Ormerod, K. Southern, G. Taylor-Fletcher, D. Vaughan, L. Varney, D. Campbell, M. Phillips, and J. Puncheon
• Yellow Card (1): D. Fletcher
• Yellow Card (1): M. Owen
• Yellow Card (1): D. Vaughan

By Gareth Evans
The Rapture may not have happened as promised at the weekend, but Ian Holloway’s Blackpool sealed their own Premier League fate with a big bang. Like a condemned donkey on the Pleasure Beach, Blackpool sprinted down the sands, bucked its rider and kicked a few deckchairs into the air before throwing itself into the North Sea. Entertaining for onlookers for sure – but doomed nonetheless.

While many eyes were on the mathematical complexities of the Premiership relegation zone, Keith Southern kicked off the far more important F**kwit proceedings inside of a minute when he was presented with a simple effort a few yards out which he somehow managed to side-foot wide, picking up two points for the miss. A couple of minutes later, a lunging Gary Taylor-Fletcher failed to stretch far enough, allowing the ball to fly across the face of goal when an extra prod of his big toe would have tapped it into the net. That earned him a point.

Ian Evatt – who was to pick up the gong for the most disappointing player – got on the scoresheet when he allowed Ji-Sung Park to wriggle past him to open the scoring for United, picking up a point for the assist. And in the final f**wit moments of the first half, Anderson scored one point for a shot that hit the corner flag, redefining the concept of missing by a mile, before Blackpool talisman Charlie Adam scored from an unstoppable free-kick to make it 1-1 at the interval, Nemanja Vidic picking up an assist for giving away the initial foul.

In the second half, United striker Dimitar Berbatov scored a second-half hat-trick of points for missing a couple of sitters and smashing one well wide. And Adam (2) and Nani also earned points for misses.

But the real F**kwit heroes came in the shape of messrs Evans, Eardley and Evatt, who all picked up assists. Jonny Evans failed to get close enough to Taylor-Fletcher, who gave Blackpool the lead, and Neal Eardley didn’t get back quickly enough to stop Anderson pulling United level. But the star of the show was Evatt, who, using the completely wrong leg, turned a ball into his own net to condemn his side to the drop, picking up three points in the process. Owen finished off the scoring as Blackpool’s donkey floated gently out to sea.

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Tottenham 2 - Birmingham 1

Brummies park the bus at cliff edge. Whoops!

Points Awards

• Yellow Card (1): B. Ferguson
• Yellow Card (1): L. Ridgewell
• Disappointing player (3): P. Crouch
• Missed chance (1): N. Kranjčar
• Missed chance (1): Y. Kaboul
• Assist (1): C. Gardner
• Assist (1): R. Johnson
• Assist (1): S. Larsson
• Assist (1): B. Foster
• Losing Team (1 each): C. Davies, S. Carr, L. Ridgewell, S. Larsson, C. Jerome, B. Ferguson, R. Johnson, K. Fahey, C. Gardner, B. Foster, M. Derbyshire, and J. Beausejour
• Yellow Card (1): M. Derbyshire

By Mat Snow
With more mind-bending variables in the last day of the relegation struggle than a best-of-five nude three-dimensional chess tournament played between Ryan Giggs, Imogen Thomas and Mr Justice Eady, Birmingham City came to Spurs with but one gameplan: to win — or, at least, not to lose — by not allowing the other side to score while hoping that God will sort out the rest.

It may have been the gameplan that over the previous 37 league games this season had left the Blues dangling over the drop, but they wouldn’t have been the first visitors to White Hart Lane since August to find it curiously effective.

But not this time. Waking from the narcolepsy that has made him a F**kwit managers’ favourite for his combination of snoozing, shirking and missing goals that Sandra Redknapp could have put away, Roman Pavlyuchenko scored a pair of peaches that kicked the Brummies in the plums.

His added-time second, helped by a deflection, found Birmingham keeper Ben Foster unsighted and the Blues back four stretched as they poured forward for a status-saving equalizer. But for the first, Sebastian Larsson gets an assist point for being bamboozled by Spurs’ Danny Rose, who laid the ball off to Pavlyuchenko, with both Roger Johnson and Craig Gardner earning another point apiece for standing off for a fatal moment. Foster should have done better too, so add him to the F**kwit scoresheet.

The goal which Birmingham fans thought had saved their season was a Craig Gardner screamer from the edge of the box through a packed area where, for once, no Spurs defender or keeper merited a F**kwit assist point for failing to prevent.

Misses? Just two: Younes Kaboul and Niko Kranjcar.

And the Most Disappointing Player? Not for the first time this season, Spurs’ gangling love god Peter Crouch was as limp in the box as a superinjunction in the Twitterverse. Still, got to love him; he may not look it, but he’s only human.

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Wolves 2 - Blackburn 3

Brown Pants Sunday: the aftermath

Points Awards

• Disappointing player (3): M. Mancienne
• Missed chance (1): J. Roberts
• Minor handbags (1): K. Henry
• Miss by mile (1): J. O'Hara
• Miss by mile (1): J. Jones
• Assist (1): M. Mancienne
• Assist (1): J. Craddock
• Assist (1): G. Elokobi
• Assist (1): M. Mancienne
• Losing Team (1 each): M. Mancienne, J. O'Hara, W. Hennessey, C. Berra, J. Craddock, G. Elokobi, K. Foley, S. Ward, A. Guedioura, K. Henry, S. Hunt, S. Ebanks-Blake, S. Fletcher, and M. Jarvis
• Yellow Card (1): S. Hunt
• Yellow Card (1): K. Henry
• Yellow Card (1): J. Craddock
• Yellow Card (1): C. Samba

By Alan Wigley
Rarely do you witness home supporters celebrating a defeat so vocally. In a weekend that was billed as Survival Sunday – although Stressful Sunday or even Brown Pants Sunday might have been more appropriate – Wolves ended the season with a first-half performance of glittering f**kwittery, followed by a second half of pure pantomime.

Afterwards Wolves manager Mick McCarthy said he felt like waving his pants in the air – not an example many supporters would have followed, given that being just three minutes from relegation would surely have tested even the sturdiest supporter’s bowel movements.

3-0 down at home and staring relegation in the face was not a great way to end the first 45 minutes, and f**kwit points go to George Elokobi, Michael Manciene (twice) and Jody Craddock for their assists. Mancienne also earned three points as the most disappointing player – more accurately, sticking with the theme, he was crap – which was something of an achievement given that he was only given 45 minutes to stake his claim for the gong before being replaced at half time. Hopefully he enjoys his trip back down the M40 to Stamford Bridge.

Birmingham’s Jermaine Jones also got a point for finding Row Z, while Karl Henry picked up one for handbags.

Wolves started the second half in the relegation zone, until events around the country saw them move out of the table, aided by a superb set piece goal by Jamie O’Hara. With about 30 minutes they were again in trouble but needed just a single goal to send one of their local rivals down. And three minutes from time, Stephen Hunt come to the rescue with a super goal that meant survival for another season. It would be unfair to single out any of the Blackburn players for f**kwik points for an assist in any of the Wolves goals, partly because they were both well worked goals, and partly because your expert panelist had his hands covering his face in fear. We did see enough, though, to award Jason Roberts one point for a miss when he was one-on-one with the keeper, and another to O’Hara for finding Row Z.

After the goal, with both teams apparently safe, the remainder of the game saw Blackburn passing the ball around the edge of their penalty area, the Wolves players standing watching the grass grow on the halfway line – and the home crowd trying to work where that faintly unpleasant aroma was wafting in from…

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Arsenal 1 - Aston Villa 2

Squillaci squeaks past Arshavin for the honours

Points Awards

• Miss by mile (1): D. Bent
• Miss by mile (1): S. Squillaci
• Disappointing player (3): S. Squillaci
• Assist (1): S. Squillaci
• Assist (1): T. Vermaelen
• Missed chance (1): T. Walcott
• Missed chance (1): T. Walcott
• Losing Team (1 each): B. Sagna, T. Vermaelen, R. Persie, T. Walcott, A. Ramsey, A. Song, J. Wilshere, A. Arshavin, K. Gibbs, M. Chamakh, N. Bendtner, W. Szczęsny, and S. Squillaci
• Yellow Card (1): N. Bendtner
• Yellow Card (1): R. Dunne
• Yellow Card (1): S. Petrov
• Yellow Card (1): N. Reo-Coker
• Yellow Card (1): A. Young

By Gareth Evans
When Sky originally put its spring schedule together, this tie was probably considered a potential title decider. What they failed to factor in, of course, was that the spine of Arsene Wenger’s side is more brittle than a small twig with a particularly nasty bout of woodworm.

So with Villa safe, this tie meant nothing. Not that you’d know by the ridiculous pre-match build-up, mind you. Sky did their best to convince us that it was vital Arsenal avoid a Champions League qualifier in some Welsh backwater, like Abercwmscratchin, but they weren’t convincing anyone.

And so to F**kwittery. It only took Arsenal 11 minutes to live up to their reputation for late season collapses. Darren Bent lost marker Sébastien Squillaci before controlling a Kyle Walker ball and finishing expertly, earning a point assist for the Frenchman. And minutes later, Bent was again on the scoresheet, taking advantage of a Thomas Vermaelen slip and pouncing to score, with another assist for an Arsenal centre back.

In a mistake-ridden half, Squillaci was also busy earning points at the other end of the field with an easy header that he put miles wide under modest pressure from Villa defenders. So impressive was this performance that he was subbed at half-time – for a striker. Unsurprisingly the Arsenal man also picked up the disappointment of the match award, running anonymous Russian doll Andrei Arshavin close for the honour.

In the second half, Theo Walcott picked up a point for failing to poke home a sitter, and another for smashing one wide. Bent also hit one wide for a point, before Robin Van Persie got a consolation goal for Arsenal when the ball fell kindly to him after a melee in the Villa box.

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