Match reports: Claret, blue & yellow

Cold turkey and a hangover: Happy New Year? (Tottenham 1 Fulham 0)
Keep it tight, keep it tidy, wait for Tottenham to get sloppy and nip in there.  As gameplans go, it’s a good one. White Hart Lane regulars have seen it work time and again. Thanks only to Fulham’s strike-force being as stuffed as Tottenham’s with cold turkey and, for all we know, buckets of ill-advised fizz for auld lang syne, it didn’t work this time. more

Claret, blue and yellow? Suits you, sir! (Chelsea 3 Aston Villa 3)
Christmas came late for referee Lee Mason, who only got round to sending his cards on January 2. But what he lacked in timeliness he more than made up for in generosity. The lucky lads in receipt of official largesse were exactly those whom the more astute Fantasy F**kwit managers will have stuffed into their teams this Yuletide season: old-fashioned Aston Villa bruisers. more

Newky Wooky, Bambi Latic, Shola: all atrocious (Wigan 0 Newcastle 1)
F**kwit highlights: A feast of post-Yule cold turkey scraps, and ironically it was one of several contenders for worst player, Shola Ameobi, who scored the game’s only goal on 19 minutes, the pick of his loose touches when he twirled the ball at his feet only to take it out for a throw-in. more

Carlton Cole’s Old Gold comedy classic (West Ham 2 Wolves 0)
Upton Park in the 51st minute exploded into a nuclear chain reaction of f**wittery, starting when a possibly offside Frederic Piquionne crossed into the Wolves penalty area for an unmarked Carlton Cole to miss the ball entirely in front of a gaping open goal, only for the ball to bounce off the knee of the unlucky Wolves defender Ronald Zubar into the back of the net. more

Newsflash: El Apache’s patchy match dash! (Manchester City 1 Blackpool 0)
F**kwit highlights: busier than a blue-arsed fly, you can’t fault Carlos Tevez’s work rate. Costing more than the entire Blackpool squad, the man who put the Argie into bargy buzzed around all afternoon without once getting the ball on target. more