Match report: Brummie death grapple

Points awards and match reports from last weekend's games have been published - and here's a taster of another weekend of f**kwittery:

Brummie death grapple muddles towards abyss (Birmingham 1 Aston Villa 1)
‘Abandon hope all ye who exit here.’

These are not the words over the Anfield gates. But they should be. Two decades of former Liverpool managers add up to a pretty powerful argument that the hot seat is not a place you want to leave except in a pine box.

Back by popular demand, Kenny Dalglish? Three games, two defeats, one draw at home against the blue half of Liverpool. Rafa Benitez? Found out at Inter. Graeme Souness? Media journeyman. Roy Evans? Missing in action.

And Ged Houllier?

A hunched and forlorn figure after a draw at second city rivals Birmingham City, Aston Villa’s manager Houllier is staring down the trapdoor of the drop. If ever you want to know what a hangdog expression looks like, Ged offers a textbook illustration.

But you can’t deny that Villa are up for the scrap, and the Blues too. You can’t fault their commitment; it’s just the technique that falls woefully short. Hence a ding-dong derby with a bethonged streaker (skinny geezer, alas), rubbish reffing and more misses than the Miss Universe contest (though with somewhat less cleavage).

The pick of the misses? On 20 minutes, Matt Derbyshire failed to get a toe onto a sizzling Kyle Walker cross, and on 59 minutes Craig Gardner, with space and time in the area, still managed to miss the target.

But for quantity if not quality, Villa’s hulking John Carew hit woodwork and fresh air on four occasions, clearly suffering the same altitude sickness as bedevils Peter Crouch at Spurs.

At least they tried.

The Blues goal came from a well-taken free kick where it all happened so fast that the Villa defence could hardly be faulted. Replying for Villa, James Collins shot, which typical of this match, was going wide, deflected off Liam Ridgewell’s leg for a hapless assist point.

So how to pick the Most Disappointing Player when the Man of the Match, David Bentley, has been consistently adjudged Spurs’ Most Disappointing Player for some years? Is anyone seriously disappointed when nonagenarian Alex Hleb fails to set the pitch alight? Or that Carew couldn’t hit a cow’s arse with a banjo? Or that Nigel Reo-Coker made sod-all impression in Villa’s midfield? This is all to be expected.

So not the worst player on the pitch but the one whose home-grown, deep-dyed claret-and-blue talent failed to rise to the derby occasion. Come on down, Marc Albrighton, the crown is yours.
By Mat Snow