Pantsil & Tevez vie for f**kwit crown

Read Fantasy F**Kwit's take on all of this weekend's Premiership action 

Barton: more sinned against than sinning? (Wolves 1 Newcastle 1)
There’s a reason why Joey Barton features on so many Fantasy F**kwit teams – and it’s not just down to his brushes with the law, his disciplinary track record or his ludicrous upper lip foliage. In much the same way that footballers attract attention in nightclubs and cow turds attract flies, Barton was the magnet for a succession of fouls on Saturday that contributed to a spectacular overall tally of 12 bookings. In fact, he spent so much time upended, our Expert Panellists were debating whether to award him points for yellow card assists. Read more...

Pantsil, Paula and pooh: a celebration (Blackpool 2 Fulham 2)
There are moments that live forever in the memory, cherished for their beauty as well as their demonstration of sporting excellence. Who could forget Nadal versus Federer in the 2008 Wimbledon final? England against the Netherlands at Euro 96, or the 5-1 drumming of Germany in 2001? 17 year-old Olga Korbut performing backflip miracles in the 1972 Olympics? Paula Radcliffe pooping in the street during the 2005 London Marathon? Read more...

What's the Spanish for 'F**k! How? Why?' (Sunderland 1 Man City 0)
Reading much of the media coverage of this game, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the entire 90 minutes was defined by one moment of glorious f**kwittery. And true, Carlos Tevez’s missed sitter was an instant contender for Fantasy F**kwit moment of the year - although to be fair, Wigan’s unsung hero Antonin Alcaraz deserves credit for skying over from even closer quarters at White Hart Lane the day before. But this wasn’t just about Tevez: Micah Richards had his f**kwit moment too. Read more...

Slapping Mr Johnson: the case for the defence (Bolton 2 Birmingham 2)
The tumbleweeds were rolling round the taproom where the Expert Panellists gathered to watch what promised to be a banquet of f**wittery from a pair of perennial mid-table mediocrities. In the event, it was more of a buffet – but the menu boasted one moment of such addle-pated, red-mist-blinded abandonment of every restraint conferred by years of professional experience that it may not be bettered this season. In short, even if the masses missed out, it was an occasion for the connoisseur to savour. Read more...

Read Fantasy F**Kwit's take on all of this weekend's Premiership action (Not got your own Fantasy F**kwit team yet? Create one now)

Barton floored as Wolves rack up points

With all but one of our reporting team safely returned from their Bank Holiday jaunt in Margate, this weekend's points awards have been made, the team scores have been updated - and all ten match reports will be published first thing Tuesday. In the meantime, here's a sneak preview of one of the weekend's higher-scoring games. (Don't have a Fantasy F**kwit team yet? Create one now)

Wolves 1 Newcastle 1
There’s a reason why Joey Barton features on so many Fantasy F**kwit teams – and it’s not just down to his brushes with the law, his disciplinary track record or his ludicrous upper lip foliage. In much the same way that footballers attract attention in nightclubs and cow turds attract flies, Barton was the magnet for a succession of fouls on Saturday that contributed to a spectacular overall tally of 12 bookings. In fact, he spent so much time upended, our Expert Panellists were debating whether to award him points for yellow card assists.

To his credit, Barton took most of the punishment like a man – and equally to his credit, he did his best to rack up his own tally of f**kwit points. Booked in the dying minutes by referee Stuart Attwell, Barton flipped his lid, made it clear that on balance, all things being considered, this might not be a decision he’d have made if he’d been given charge of the whistle, and then refused to walk towards the ref to have his name taken. On another day, with another official, his blatant dissent would have been deemed worthy of a second yellow.

But the bookings only tell part of the story in a game that became a feast of f**kwittery. Towards the end of the first half, newly-emerging Newcastle ‘legend’ Andy Carroll made the most of a neat ball from Kevin Nolan by blasting over the bar from eight yards with just the keeper to beat, earning three points for a quality miss. Better still, he proceeded to argue that his wayward shot had been saved and demanded a corner, picking up a yellow card for dissent and two extra f**kwit points.

It was a costly miss – minutes later, Wolves took the lead following a neat first touch and clean strike from Sylvan Ebanks-Blake. Newcastle’s Mike Williamson picked up an assist for his role in that goal after losing sight of his man – hard to do, you’d think, when he’s wearing a bright gold shirt and standing in the middle of the penalty area.

The second half kicked off at an equally frenetic pace, with Newcastle’s James Perch missing out on a three-point penalty assist after taking out Mat Jarvis in the box. Replays showed Perch had clearly failed to get the ball before he got his man, and while he later picked up a card for a needless foul at the end of the match, he can feel hard done by to earn a solitary f**kwit point.

Newcastle’s equalizer – from a Carroll header – saw a point go to goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann for finding himself stranded in no-man’s land. But by this stage, most of the action was centred on the referee’s notebook. Nolan picked up a yellow from the restart by running up the field and ploughing straight into Jody Craddock with the ball nowhere in sight, earning himself a bonus point for comedy value. Wolves’ Karl Henry – who’d missed out on a card early on when his thumping challenge on Barton was deemed fair – also picked up a card for taking the same man out again in the 84^th minute, going over the top on Alan Smith immediately afterwards just to make sure.

And a special mention goes to Wolves’ David Jones, who bounced off a Newcastle player and collided with his own team-mate Jarvis in the 50^th minute, raising important questions for FIFA as to why you can’t get booked for fouling someone on your own side. One point to both of them for comedy value.

Sadly, with twelve people on the pitch failing to take the simple step of converting their yellow cards into red, picking out the most disappointing player proved impossible.
By Keith Rodgers