2010 highlights: the best of Fantasy F**kwit

December: Backsides and Banjos

The seven ages of West Ham (Blackburn 1 West Ham 1)
A missed punch. An air shot from three feet out. A ball trickling over the goal-line courtesy of Ryan Nelsen’s knee. Heaven help us, but those were the highlights. Given the choice between counting reindeer droppings, plucking a live turkey, inserting a Yuletide log up our jacksie or watching a repeat of this turgid affair, we’ll take any of the first three. more...

Hat-trick hero Maxi finds cow's backside, mislays banjo (Tottenham 2 Liverpool 1)
There was something not-quite-right about Jermaine Defoe stepping forward to take a spot kick at White Hart Lane, as if he really hadn’t missed six out of his last ten for the club. Ramming it low, hard and seven inches wide, the diminutive England forward didn’t so much blow it big time as deliver a double-entendre. His efforts, though, were just one of many moments of f**kwittery that included a delightful own goal from Martin Skrtel and a truly heroic three-miss sequence from Liverpool's Maxi Rodriguez. more... 

Campbell left for dead, soup prime suspect (West Brom 3 Newcastle 1)
If this was the battle of the bar-codes, then West Brom certainly earned their stripes in a fixture they dominated from a classical football perspective. Luckily, we’re not interested in that stuff – and when it came to f**kwittery, Newcastle gave as good as they got in this humdinger of a contest. more...   

Gerard who? Doesn't ring a bell, mate (Liverpool 3 Aston Villa 0)
All the talk was about Gerard “Ged” Houllier’s “retourne” to Anfield, but the crowd clearly wasn’t as excited as he was – with only 23,000 in their seats at kick-off compared to the 42,000 seats sold. Yeah it’s cold and the game’s on Sky, but give the fella some credit – he’s had triple heart bypass surgery and he’s still part of Liverpool’s history. What do you want – blood? more...

November: Pantomimes and comedy footwear

Balotteli and Mulumbu see red, horse whinnies (West Brom 0 Manchester City 2)
In a competition to see who gets to be the arse-end of the pantomime horse, Mario Balotelli and Youssuf Mulumbu would end up creating the world’s first four-buttocked equine. Two moments of glorious stupidity – followed by two red cards – helped liven up a game that was pretty much over as a footballing spectacle midway through the first half. more...

Friedel in a flap as Villa clown around (Blackburn 2 Aston Villa 0)
Red noses, crazy facepaint and unfeasibly large footwear were the order of the day at Ewood Park as the football took second place to slapstick entertainment. First, Villa teammates Luke Young and Ashley Young collided with one another on the edge of the Blackburn penalty area, allowing a neat through ball from Stewart Downing to trickle harmlessly out of play. Next, referee Michael Oliver sent Blackburn’s Gael Givet crashing to the ground in a comedy collision that may or may not have contributed to the Frenchman’s half-time substitution. more...

Strictly Come Dancing, the Prince and Santa (Blackpool 2 Wolves 1)
In town this weekend we had the delights of Strictly come Dancing, Prince William on a stag weekend, and Wolves making Fantasy F**kwit fans feel like Christmas had come early with Santa delivering a hatfull of points. more...

October: Is it Groundhog day again? 

The importance of being Karl Henry (Wigan 2 Wolves 0)
Wigan? Wolves? Who better to put this match into perspective than Wilde, as in Oscar, the playwright, wit and sodomite of a more elegant, bygone age: ‘To break one leg, Mr Karl Henry, may be regarded as a misfortune. To break both looks like carelessness.’ more...

Green's Groundhog Day unexpectedly cancelled (West Ham 1 Fulham 1)
Oh boy oh boy oh boy. West Ham keeper Rob Green must have been dreading this one: the first time since his world-class display of f**kwittery in South Africa back in June that he would face his American arch-nemesis, his worst nightmare, the Itchy to his Scratchy, the one-man architect of England’s wholesale moral collapse, Clint Dempsey. more...  

Drip, drip, drip. Shoot Steed! Yawn. The end (Sunderland 0 Manchester United 0)

One-on-one with the keeper fifteen minutes into the match, Sunderland's Steed Malbranque failed to find the target, picked up three points and pretty much signalled the start, middle, and end of this game's f**kwittery. 

Probably the most interesting aspect of the match was the roof falling in on the United dressing room before the match, courtesy of a burst pipe. 

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September: Paris Hilton, Diouf, Jockstraps etc

Nani exits stage left, pursued by pantomime horse (United 3 - Liverpool 2)
Two giants bestriding debt mountains, each teetering precariously on the slippery slope that runs downhill from routine Champions League qualification towards the deepest abyss of Fantasy F**kwit contention. But whose is the slippier? And whose the slopier? more... 

Michael Turner: F**kwit Poster Child (Liverpool 2 - Sunderland 2)
Everything exists for a reason. Jam? So you’ve got something tasty to spread on your toast. Bogeys? So children have something to flick at one another. Paris Hilton? To confirm the vapid meaninglessness of our brief sojourn on earth. And Fantasy F**kwit? Because of people like Sunderland’s Michael Turner. more...

Diouf wins plaudits as Schwarzer drops ball (Blackburn 1 - Fulham 1)
It seems like only yesterday that we were pointing out how Blackburn’s El-Hadji Diouf can be an irritating little sod. And here, seven days later, the man with the permanent “who, me?” expression and the constantly changing hairstyle, provided the major talking point of the first half at Ewood Park on Saturday. You have to give him credit: he spreads f**kwittery with the same efficiency that a snotty-nosed kid passes on the flu virus. more...

Hibbert's jock-strap proves a distraction (Everton 3 Manchester United 3)
Although he was seen at the Lowry Hotel in Manchester on Friday night, there was no sign of Wayne Rooney on the pitch come Saturday, Sir Alex Ferguson apparently believing it might be an overly hostile environment. Fortunately, of course, Mr Rooney’s exploits have already been well documented in the media and rewarded on the F**kwit Index, so attention turned to weightier matters. Would this match define the title chase for Manchester United? Was this Everton’s first six-pointer of the season? And who was buying the half-time pies? more... 

Sensational Almunia hits double figures (Arsenal 2 - West Brom 3)
The Highbury hairdresser has a lot to answer for. Manuel Almunia’s dye job is as miserable as his goalkeeping, while Marouane Chamakh appears to be making a one-man tonsorial tribute to the oil-smothered seabirds of the Gulf coast. As for Alex Song’s Harpo Marx-style blond perm – well, it could have been every single Marx Brother plus all the Keystone Kops at home against the Baggies. more... 

August: Slapstick comedy

Pantsil, Paula and pooh: a celebration (Blackpool 2 Fulham 2)
There are moments that live forever in the memory, cherished for their beauty as well as their demonstration of sporting excellence. Who could forget Nadal versus Federer in the 2008 Wimbledon final? England against the Netherlands at Euro 96, or the 5-1 drumming of Germany in 2001? 17 year-old Olga Korbut performing backflip miracles in the 1972 Olympics? Paula Radcliffe pooping in the street during the 2005 London Marathon? more...

Slapping Mr Johnson: the case for the defence (Bolton 2 Birmingham 2)
The tumbleweeds were rolling round the taproom where the Expert Panellists gathered to watch what promised to be a banquet of f**wittery from a pair of perennial mid-table mediocrities. In the event, it was more of a buffet – but the menu boasted one moment of such addle-pated, red-mist-blinded abandonment of every restraint conferred by years of professional experience that it may not be bettered this season. In short, even if the masses missed out, it was an occasion for the connoisseur to savour. more...   

Pedersen masters art of perfect penalty miss (Birmingham 2 Blackburn 1)
When this battle of last year’s mid-table, identical-points teams kicked off, we had three questions. First, has their limited close season transfer activity given one team any kind of edge over the other? Second, would the Premiership’s youngest ever referee, 25 year-old Michael Oliver, decide to make his mark in a big way? Third, would Blackburn's El-Hadji Diouf gob on anyone? more....